Romance to the socially obscure

I am not a romantic person. There are very few sentimental veins in my body. But when I see every person in my Facebook / Instagram / Twitter / [future social media leader] feed post engagement or wedding photos, my heart is inexplicably warmed and I can’t wait to post my own.


The only difference is that my engagement photos are probably going to be at, like, Dave & Busters and my wedding photos will probably be taken exclusively on disposable cameras provided at every table at the reception and/or whatever device we’re using to capture moments that year.

Here’s the weird thing. Half of my closet is filled with dresses and heels. Half of it is hoodies and jeans. My entire personal life can be described exclusively through quotes from the TV show ’30 Rock,’ and I take trips to other continents by myself. I’m an independent woman (insert z-snap here) and also not entirely traditional. I’m also entirely traditional.

I read an article not so long ago that stated the smarter a person is, the more likely that person is to be single. I am single, but I also was not accepted to MENSA when I took the test last year. (To be fair, I was 3 off from the qualifying score, so I could be positively or negatively affected by a retake. #humblebrag) I don’t want to lean on something like that as an excuse, especially since Stephen Hawking married and I’m obviously very comparable to him.

Listen, I value a stable paycheck and regular exercise, as I should. I subscribe to modern requirements for health in social / professional / physical / mental / spiritual categories. But I see the world in my own way.

I’m not going to tell you that I’m a unicorn. I’m saying that everyone is a unicorn, and some unicorns have more in common with each other than other unicorns do. A lot of unicorns have a more common Myers-Briggs type. Certain unicorns, like myself, have the rarest Myers-Briggs type.


WAIT. BREAKTHROUGH. IS THIS WHY I AM SINGLE? Ok, I guess that ENTJs everywhere must probably be single. Except my father, as he has been happily married for 40 years. Damn. Myth = busted.

So back to those engagement photos. Would anyone think it’s awful if I’m wearing a beautiful dress (or perhaps a jumpsuit, since tall babes can rock them) but in the pictures I am doing something fun so that my smile is real? Suggestions include (and I’m just spitballing here): dancing on a lit-up dance floor, playing beer prosecco pong, staring intently at my cat in his bow tie, or talking smack regarding how the Seahawks are way better than whatever team my future husband likes.

As I write this, I am 97% sure that none of this is true, and that I will probably get married on a lush golf course somewhere with luscious flowing locks and the sleekest white gown because that works for tall women, and that my vision board will probably be filled with snapshots of my actual, present-day woman crush Amal Alamuddin Clooney. But right now, I really enjoy playing games and watching stupid YouTube videos with people while eating tuna melts at 24 hour diners.

For now, I’m going to cherish the obscurity of my humor and the even more obscure depth of pop culture knowledge I possess. Then, one day I will either learn to suppress it, or someone will understand it and make it better. And then we will get engaged inside the ball pit at a McDonald’s. Or something like that.

Who’s with me?

YouTube videos guaranteed to make my life better (and maybe, like, 20% of yours)

Rural Juror

You know how you like to listen to music in the car or have a spotify playlist on at work? Well, that’s me ALL OF THE TIME with TV. TV is my autopilot. Usually on my iPad, but sometimes via my Blu-Ray player. Netflix, Amazon Prime, Xfinity, whatever. I will watch it. And by “it” I usually mean a 30-minute comedy, specifically 30 Rock but I have range. Sometimes, though, I go on a YouTube binge (kind of like a Wikipedia roll) that keeps me entertained either for 20 minutes or for hours and I end up skipping my evening plans to watch them.

Oh, also, sometimes in the car I listen to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack and sing along, loudly and poorly. One of my favorite bands is Queen, which is rock opera. And my Pandora has John Williams Radio ready to play. So this tv/theater obsession goes beyond the baseline platforms. #credentials

Here are my absolute go-to YouTube videos, and some new discoveries. And son, you should know that my recommendation is essentially a guarantee. Watch these. 

I very much would like you to view this episode of Ghost Bouncers no disrespect. 

Need a new sofa? I hear the Pull-Out King is running a special. 

Mean tweets.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler opening the Golden Globes in 2013.

And 2014. 

And 2015. (Clooney jokes are 2 for 2!)

Stroke of genius. I don’t know how Kristen Wiig does it. 


Bitches be crazy. 

Do you want to feel REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE? Then watch this music video from a former Disney Channel product! (PS I especially like her description. “ATTENTION: I am an actress and performer… I am playing a character in the music video.” That character is super slutty. Whatevz, girl. Embrace.

Enorme, the #1 fragrance for plus size women.

Rock lobster. 

This isn’t YouTube technically, but it is brilliant. You’re doing a great job, Scott. 

This too. Because no one does a Fierstein. (I can’t resist solid impressions.)

Boys will be girls. You may remember this one and the many quotes it provided. (Favorite: “I split a bagel with the trashcan.”)

For my fellow TV encyclopedias, this game. 

Fellow 30 Rockphiles might take interest. 

Mumford & Sons “Hopeless Wanderer”: I’m insulted that no one thought to send this to me when it came out. I LIVE FOR PARODICAL PIECES.


I love 30 Rock, upscale athleticwear, and stay-cation tourism, and I’m only a little embarrassed about it



Are you hooked already? Do you want to know all the secrets?


Primarily, the key to the amazification of life is the fact that Lululemon outlets exist.


You are either rolling your eyes currently or nodding in excitement. But seriously, I bought a reversible moisture-wicking jacket that is great for workouts AND normal life (not like how my other running stuff “works” for normal life because I wear it all the time anyway. This jacket is actually PERFECT and looks like jackets sold at non-athletic stores). And it was…$44!!!! I’m pretty sure that the jacket cost around $750 before (jk $118), so I’m feeling pretty good right now.




Similar one here.


Also, PSA: J. Crew factory stores have FIFTY PERCENT OFF EVERYTHING. You’re welcome. Thank me later by sending me all the things I wanted but didn’t buy. And no, I didn’t walk out empty-handed.

Jewelry tray alert. I’ve always had a thing for the nautical theme, but never more than when I was in college.  I was a member of Delta Gamma, which is all about anchors. You can take the girl out of the sorority, but you — nope, never mind, there’s definitely not much sorority in this girl. But it was the best few years and a great way to spend my time. And let’s just get this out now: there was no hazing. Just real friendship and a crazy house mom. It feels so remote from my life now. I’ve been out of college longer than I was in it. I also probably make more in a month now than I made all year in my part time jobs, yet somehow now I stress more about money than I did then, because savings matter when you are an adult who just wants to travel and eat in her spare time. (PS don’t forget that this paragraph started out talking about a jewelry tray. I <3 tangents.)



I need this book immediately. 30 Rock is the best show of all time — DEFINITIVELY — and I sincerely recommend it to each of you. I can provide references to those I pushed it on. They were not disappointed. Also, if you watch it, you and I will have a special bond for life. Incentive #1.



Fitz got really cuddly on Friday and wanted to nuzzle my mom’s sweater. I had to put a card under his face so he would stop licking her. It ranks among the top 10 ways I might actually die from exposure to cuteness. (I also saw a little boy get a balloon from a waitress Friday. I got to see the moment his face lit up from the surprise. It was magical and OMG BE STILL MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK.)



In other news, my mother and I went on a HARD CORE TOURIST DAY in the Bay Area. Sausalito is gorgeous and probably where I should retire after I marry rich, or become the THIRD woman president. (I stole that last line from an 11 year old girl character on 30 Rock.)




I’ve been doing a decent job of eating well, but when I see Lappert’s Ice Cream while in in tourist mode, it’s all over. Sea Salt Caramel anything is never not good.




One final IMPORTANT THING found on my day of tourism:






Any good sales coming up? 


But seriously… I just got on the Lululemon train. Who knows other great ways to save on this clothing?


Please immediately send me so-cute-you-might-burst stories and photos and videos. 

4000 Years Ago, and My Promise to You


Do you ever make promises to yourself? Of course you do. Let me be more specific. Do you ever swear up and down that you are GOING to do something, only to make that exact same promise in a few months, and then try to buckle down and do it but never really do, and then promise yourself to do it again a few months later?

That is the exact cycle that I’ve faced when contemplating a blog.

This ol’ brain of mine is filled with wild tangents that, for my own sake, would love to make their way out. But do people even care? Shouldn’t a blog be tailored to an audience strategically? What about demographic? What’s my voice?
4000 years later, I still didn’t have a blog and I hadn’t determined any of this. Cue today. There’s that saying that there’s no time like the present. I don’t know if it’s just the era we live in that causes a simple blog to turn into a strategic business venture, but I seriously believe that the accessibility of the internet makes everything go #OTT. That’s why we get articles filling up our news feeds claiming, “I thought he was just trying to pet that dog. What happens next MADE MY BRAIN EXPLODE!” x2349872984. I mean, how many times can you be THAT FREAKING EXCITED? But I digress. (See, didn’t I say I was filled with tangents?)

So here’s my promise. I may not be the voice of the people, or a brand ambassador for whatever’s happening for people like me, or that bronzed yoga goddess who sips green juice and has perfect gel manicures and those little rings that only go halfway on her fingers at all times. But I will be a truly unique voice, and that’s because I will only be me. It might get #raw. And the challenge with rawness is that it exposes me to the three people that read this blog (hi, grandma) who don’t ever hear that side. But I’ve made a promise to myself — and now to you — that this ish is about to get real. And chances are, if I’m feeling/thinking/experiencing it, someone else out there is too. So follow me on here, or on Facebook, or just wait until I can afford one of those planes that fly banners over the ocean with SOULNSHAPE.COM (because I’ll probably drop the I, right?), or don’t follow me at all. I’ll love you anyway. And comment here. I love to chat.

Oh, and I promise to use impeccable grammar. Seriously. I won’t let you down.